I hope your day is as nice as my ass I can’t wait to dissapoint you sexually Our relationship should be like Nintendo 64– classic, fun to spend hours with, and every issue easily fixed by blowing on it then shoving it back in.
Send me an emoji that represents our first date, I’ll send you an emoji that represents our future Seeking someone that looks good on the arm to take to social events!
You see, when I was developing my Tinder game I used to scour the web for content to use. that word bums me out unless it’s between “meat” and “pizza” Singer/actor. The only reason she sucks your d*ck is because her mom told her to appreciate the little things in life. Likes: climbing trees, bananas, grooming, finding bugs. I got a memory foam mattress if you are trying to chill. I’ll be Burger King and you’ll be mcdonalds, I’ll have it my way and you’ll be loving it.
One of the best resources I came across was the Tinder thread on a fitness forum – this was a huge 350 page thread with thousands of posts! Warehouse worker to pay the bills :)Looking to meet some new people and see what happens :)If you start a conversation with something along the lines of “you look like a f*cking giraffe c*nt”, chances are we won’t get along. On the topic of nude pics: I just want to remind everyone of a little movie called TITANIC… I’ve been having dreams about you and me…I’m 26 I live with my grandparents but that will hopefully change soon. I still ride on the back of shopping carts when I shop.
I’m counting on your standards being lower than mine. If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. Tinder, because the girls on Grindr were too hairy. In my free time I like to take my shirt off and take selfies. Want to marry some one whose last name begins with an “L”, so if I ever decide to work at a Denny’s, my name tag will read Ana L. I take us to see the unicorns because unicorns are the f*cking tits. The unicorns are about to get the show of their life. I’ll still kiss you after you give me a rim job and I do a lot of yoga. But what I do have is a very particular set of skills. I hunt, fish, critique porn and thoroughly enjoy getting stoned in the woods with Mary Jane and Jack. Let’s recreate the Human Centipede and sew your mouth to my butthole. Boys call me Dumbledore cause I’m the head master The C and the L are silent. It may make me sound like a whore, but as long as you open and hold my door, I will straight up fuck you then and there on the floor Women seeks hostile man for mutual psychological torture, co-dependency and future divorce. If your dog is cute, I’ll probably look through your photos twice and I’ll still kiss you after you give me a rim job and I do a lot of yoga. I’d like to cover you in peanut butter and see how much I could lick off before my peanut butter allergy killed me. The only thing that’s not goofy about me is my stance. I’m [Your Name] and I cuddle at a level that should require a paid subscription. one night older Hobbies: boning your mom and getting shredded. You gotta marry someone you know you’d still be down to fuck in the laundry room real quick while the kids are downstairs watching Lion King & ten minutes left till the dinosaur nuggets are read to come out the oven. Skills I have acquired over a very long sexual career. I can nail an arrow in the back of your skull at over 100 yards. PS: all I eat is mozzarella sticks, Doritos, and di*k. My tits and I have one thing in common and that’s we’re a little bit more than a handful. I love cookies, anal and milk If you like your women like you like your microwaves look no further: Cool on the outside. I like long walks down the beach and …I just wanna make out, cuddle in baggy clothes while watching movies and I dunno maybe put my hand down your pants… You can also find me on Sniffr (it’s like Tinder but for dogs)5 Stars: “A perfect gentleman” – Anonymous Tinder woman.5 Stars: “Made 50 Shades of Grey seem as tame as the Teletubbies” – Anonymous Tinder Woman1 Star: “Stop asking me for a review you weirdo” – Anonymous Tinder Woman5 Stars: “So sweet” – Mark’s mum So you’re looking for ‘the one’ huh? but you’ll be so sexually starved when you do that you’ll fu*k him on the first date, he will lose interest, the sweet texts will stop and you’ll be all alone with your pizza rolls swiping left and right again while he dates someone that’s challenging enough to keep his interest for longer than a weekend. The slowest drink at the saddest bar on the snowiest day in the greatest city. Our relationship should be like Nintendo 64–classic, fun to spend hours with, and every issue easily fixed by blowing on it then shoving it back in. I’m not good at taking off bras so don’t worry, I won’t ask you for casual sex. I’m just here for sex from a white boy with mommy issues. But if you swipe right, I will match with you, I will flirt with you and I will fu*k you. Two things I don’t fuck with: rattlesnakes and condoms. Hobbies: I’ll treat you like a Disney princess on the streets and a porn princess between the sheets. It’s the most romantic way of letting you know I have a knife.“Well honey, I met daddy when he told me he ate ass and asked me if I had snapchat” Let’s get pizza. I take you home and awkwardly hug you in your driveway. I get 2 favorites and a reply calling me a “fagit”.