For instance, I realize that I only dated brunettes—despite the advertising campaign at the time that “blondes have more fun.” My mother and grandmother had dark hair! We begin to make a mental list of the qualities we most value in those closest and dearest to us. Money believers that, by the time we are eight years old, we have an unconscious but very precise idea of what our future dates and mate should look like. (I’ve even gotten to the point of hugging my parents.) In other areas, though, we haven’t coped that well.
Many believe that our dating radar is programmed to detect those who match up to these unconscious emotional images. (We’re both terminally stubborn.) But understanding the tendency to marry someone to solve childhood issues has been helpful in seeing why we expect certain things from adult relationships.
Everything from the crib to the diaper wipes to our parents were viewed as a part of our being.
There was no “me” or “thee”—only warm, wonderful “we.” But then came a shocking discovery!
And, most frightening, the warm, loving blurs were not one with us at all.
Of course the hapless humans have no idea that they are now controlled from the mother ship. Harville Hendrix, believes our “old brain” which records emotional responses, creates an exact resume’ of our future spouse. For instance, both Lois and I came from homes which were not very demonstrative about voicing emotions—good or bad.
We marry the emotional image of our care-givers—both positive and negative. John Money agrees that each of us begins to form ideas of the “perfect” partner the moment we are born. So, we have worked hard at saying “I love you” to each other and to our kids.
No “Mom” and “me,” only the warm, dark oneness of the womb.
Even before we were pushed, kicking and screaming down that dark tunnel toward the bright light, we still viewed the world outside the womb as a part of ourselves.
We seem attracted to those similar to our parents or childhood care-givers.