Control isn’t a word that a lot of people like to hear but a large part of why we get sucked into wanting affirmations of the other person’s care is that we want to control them, which in turn distracts from ourselves.
If they’re caring about us in the way that we deem appropriate then it will feel like we still have some sort of emotional tie to them.
As I listened to myself I suddenly wondered what the hell I was doing and then wearily he said, and deep embarrassment hit me.
In hindsight, I recognise that I was emotionally demanding and getting hijacked by my ego.
Of course when they have and we haven’t, or we deem it ‘too soon’, we think, One of the lessons I learned from my various relationships is that we’re not clones of each other and that just because we share a relationship with someone and may even believe that we think alike and that we’re ‘soulmates’, it doesn’t mean that we can’t each have very different ideas about how we should behave after the breakup, and one of the biggest sources of friction is where we think that the other party isn’t ‘considering our feelings’.
While I certainly feel that there’s a respectful period, particularly where mutual friends are concerned when it’s the ‘done thing’ not to flaunt your new relationship or your happy single life, there is a limit and a line that shouldn’t be crossed. You will also find that if you found it tricky to control them of it.
No matter what time of year it is, it’s difficult post-breakup, especially when we wonder whether someone cares about us, but times of the year like Valentine’s and Christmas/The Holidays are exceptionally difficult. Years ago when I broke up with my ex, even though it was me that ended it and even though I had a long list of reasons, it galled me when he wasn’t exactly hunting me down to say he missed me, trying to get in touch, or hurling himself on the floor begging me for mercy.
We like to feel that we meant something, that we were important, missable etc, but at this time of year, that urge increases as the post arrives and there’s no card from them, our phone beeps and there’s no text message, or we refresh our email and check our junk box and there’s no email, or we look for signs of life from them on the likes of Facebook and see that they’re moving on or that they look happier than we are. Despite being the dumper, I actually tried to even though truth be told, I didn’t miss him and I cared but if I dig deep, I cared about how I looked in the context of him not caring. I must be unlovable, I mustn’t be good enough because the prince wasn’t hopping on his horse and blazing in to rescue me, whisk me off and live happily ever after.
Part of the reason why we look for validation from our exes and wonder if they still care about us is because we are in pain, we likely haven’t moved on, and we like to think that our exes are also in pain and that they haven’t moved on.That’s not because they don’t care; it’s because the relationship is over.Let go of your expectations of validation from them and validate Even if they didn’t or don’t care about you, it’s time you start caring about yourself. Baggage Reclaim is a guide to learning to live and love with self-esteem by breaking the patterns that stand in your way.Whatever it is, stop punishing yourself by telling your that they don’t care about you.If you have instances of them showing they cared in the relationship, even though it may not have been enough, it shows that they cared.We secretly wonder if they’ll show up over the next week or so. His lack of effort to keep in touch ate away at me and even though I was moving on, I hated being .